Smiles Along The Nile :>)

"My mummy told me to beware of strangers."
"I didn't know they spoke."

"I'm organizing an expedition down the Nile."
"Who's donating the organs, the local embalmer?"

"I've got something stuck in my sarcophagus."
"Here let me slap you on the back."
"Ptah!!!... "

"Who says you can't take it all with you? I'm going to."
"Including your mother-in law?"
"She won't cause much trouble as a mummy."

Cheops: "I've come up with a pyramid scheme."
Beaknose: "That's great. How does it work?"
Cheops: "I just sit there like a sphinx, pile one load of horseshit on another, and wait a long time."

"Buried under the paw of the sphinx are secrets unheard of."
"Yeah, I know, he's been silent for over 4,500 years."

Twenty years from now:
"I'm really excited to visit the Valley of the Kings!"
"Oh, you mean Don King, Larry King, Martin Luther King, and Harry?"

"They say that conditions in Egypt--the sand, the dryness--naturally preserve dead bodies."
"If that's so, you should be immortal by now."

"Look at that hieroglyph over there on the obelisk."
"The one that pictures Rose Etta stoned?"
"No, the one depicting Cleo's patterers."

"Cleopatra really thought Mr. Anthony was a mark, didn't she?"
"The problem was he didn't quite sieze her."

"Did you know Alexandria was named after Alexander the Great?"
"Yeah, and Cairo was named after Cairo syrup."

"What do they call musicians who are also embalmers?"
"I give up."
"Wrap musicians."

"Erastosthenes figured out the size of the earth by looking down a well at Syene."
"I always thought he was all wet."

"I'm going to the king's chamber of the great pyramid and lie in the sarcophagus and meditate until I'm resurrected."
"That's probably the best thing you could do, in your condition."

"I just visited Nasser Dam."
"He wasn't that bad a guy, was he?"

"Is that Aswan?"
"Looks like an ibis to me."

"What's the similarity between the John Kennedy era and that two bit Egyptian town we just passed through?"
"I don't have a clue."
"They both had their camel lot."

"We are setting up a new crocodile hotline."
"You mean if someone gives you a crock, you can dial?"

Bedraggled merchant: "Locks from Cleopatra's hair..."
One tourist to another. "I always knew there was something fishy about that lady"

"It's so hot out here you could fry an egg on that step pyramid over there."
"Put on your glasses, Charlie, that's not a pyramid--it's a dromedary."

Husband: "Let's go in here and watch the belly dancing."
Wife: "Oh, how nice! I love 'Swan Lake'!"

"I just visited King Tut's Tomb."
"You do look kind of 'cursed'."

"It sure is dusty around here."
"Those ancient embalmers were smart. They took out the vital organs of the bodies before salting them down. Then they threw them out on the desert. Just think, you may be breathing in Zoser's liver."

"How can I lose weight?"
"Mummification at least makes you 'look' thin."

"Will we be safe sightseeing in Egypt?"
"We'll be OK, we're religious fanatics."


Get out of here. Go 'home'. Quick!!